Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

[pcfxer]

Hey guys,

A couple of us have started some engineering jokes in another thread so I figured we should actually continue a nice thread about engineers and the engineering way. It's okay, I won't take most of it to heart and that's because some of it is TRUE!

So, just give'r and g'day!

[the other pc]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

You might be an engineer if ...

... your favorite James Bond character is "Q."

... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

... When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.

... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

... you know what http:// stands for.

... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.

... you see a good design and still have to change it.

... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

... you window shop at Radio Shack.

... your laptop computer costs more than your car.

... your family hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

... you've already calculated how much you make per second.

... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

... all your sentences begin with "what if."

... at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

... Dilbert is your hero.

... the blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.

... you are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the corkscrews than the '84 Chardonnay.

... you bought your wife's valentine gift at Home Depot.

... you can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket.

... you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

... you’ve ever gotten in an argument over 0.5mm vs. 0.7mm pencil leads.

... you even know that there are 0.5mm and 0.7mm pencil leads.

... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.

... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project.

... you find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment.

... you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

... you have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for.

... you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is."

... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

... you have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already.

... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

... you know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.

... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

... anybody else needs a checklist to turn on your TV.

... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

... you rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

... you talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

... you think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children.

... you think your computer looks better without the cover.

... you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.

... you're strolling on the beach at night on a date, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate the International Space Station.

... the joke above doesn’t make sense to you because it presumes you can get a date.

... your checkbook always balances.

... your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor."

... your favorite television show is Mythbusters.

... your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her.

... your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog.

... you even know what an Edmund Scientific catalog is.

... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.

... your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

[rascal]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

My best friend who lives in Dallas is an Engineer. Before he became an engineer he was in to custom car stereos, building fences, carports, storage buildings, patio decks, tanning bed stations, basically anything that can be built.

His favorite saying then and still is: "I'm not having a good engineering day until I hurt myself at least once."

And what he usually meant by getting hurt is getting cut by a Stanley knife.

[sneek]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

, i might be an engineer! I wanted to be too, but then there was that part about physics and free falling objects and such .

[RamAirV1]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

A lot of those are true LOL!

RamAirV1

[pcfxer]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come one, come all! {notice the edit }

Oh god, soooo true!

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.


POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability ,to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF.....
-Dilbert is a documentary, not a comic.
-You are better with a Karnaugh map than a road map.
-Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies .
-You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
-You can do vector calculus but can not do long division.


REAL ENGINEERS...
-Wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency", not because they're lazy.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS....

Lesson I:
Charles Proteus Steinmetz, an electrical engineer whose genius lived up to his middle name, worked at General Electric for many years. One morning he arrived at his office to find there had been a change in policy overnight. On his desk, someone had posted a tidy cardboard sign saying, "No Smoking." Steinmetz took out his pen, re-lettered the sign so that it now read, "No Smoking --- No Steinmetz," and departed. The policy was changed.

One day a whole roomful of General Electric's most expensive machinery went out of order. By this time Steinmetz had retired, but the company's baffled engineers called him back as a consultant. Steinmetz ambled from machine to machine, taking a measurement here, scribbling something in his notebook there. After about an hour, he took out a large piece of chalk and marked a large 'X' on the casing of one machine. Workers pried off the casing and found the problem at once. But when the company executives got Steinmetz's bill for $10,000, they were reluctant to pay it. "This seems a bit excessive for one chalk mark," Steinmetz was told. "Perhaps you'd better itemize your charges." Within a few days, they received the following itemized bill: Making one chalk mark $1.00
Knowing where to make one chalk mark $9,999.00


Lesson II:

A Priest, a drunkard, and an Engineer were lined up at the Guillotine to be be-headed. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." So they placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade.The blade stopped just inches from the Priest, so they let him go thinking it was a miracle.

The drunkard thought , "Well if it worked for the Priest, it might work for me, "so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking , this was also a miracle.

The Engineer thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the Engineer said, "Oh I see your problem!"


Lesson III:

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun
game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away
and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He
explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.
Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now,
that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer
asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a
puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his
references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer
$50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to
sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the
question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to
the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.



Last but not least. While the thread is loading, you are thinking of ways to smite marketing/management!!!

[Murr1525]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

Is it a bad thing when you are working to design your fiance's and one of the other women at the jewelry store asks if you're an engineer...

[pcfxer]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

That depends. Do you know fourier series?

[WaspHunter]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

You know you're an Engineer when 'FIGJAM' is the title of honour that replaces 'Employee of the Month'.

And in reply to:

... your family hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

Bachelor of Engineering: Four years of learning complex equations, one year finding out what it is exactly that you do.

[squimper]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

What does an engineer use as a contraceptive?



...




His personality.

[the other pc]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

How do you know when you're talking to an extroverted engineer?

He's staring at your shoes.


PC.

[WaspHunter]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

What does an engineer use as a contraceptive?



...




His personality.

gold.

[Mac]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

I used to be an engineer but I out grew it!!

[davera]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

An optimist looks at the glass and says half full.
A pessimist looks at the glass and says half empty.
An engineer looks at the glass and says it's twice as big as it needs to be.

[vettemaniac]

Re: Engineering Jokes: Come on, come all!

An optimist looks at the glass and says half full.
A pessimist looks at the glass and says half empty.
An engineer looks at the glass and says it's twice as big as it needs to be.